Time to be serious.


Such a precious part of each and every one of our lives. Time is the one thing you can’t get back yet I’m sure it’s something that 99% of us take for granted.

How often do we think of sending a hello to that friend we haven’t spoken to in a while or spending a random night with your parents just for the hell of it or better yet telling that special someone you love them? The thoughts certainly cross my mind on a daily basis but of course our lives get hectic and we just think ‘Oh it’s okay, I’ll touch base with them tomorrow’.

Why do we not realize that tomorrow is not a given, it is not something that the world owes us? Tomorrow is simply a blessing. It is a luxury that most of the time we probably don’t even realize we have.

I continuously think that there is all the time in the world until one day my eyes are opened and the light at the end of the tunnel has gone dark. It’s hard to realize at the moment what you are or should be feeling, or even worse not knowing that what you’re even experiencing will be a moment that stays with you forever.

That moment the lights go out cannot be reversed, don’t let the feeling left within you be regret. Regret that the time you had was wasted thinking you could cash in on it in the future. Life doesn’t work that way sadly.

I envy that 1% of people. The ones that know the true value of a moment. I aspire to be that person.

Life can change at any given second. Without warning. Without any sort of inclination that something devastating is on the horizon. Life can be taken away in the blink of an eye and that is quite possibly the most terrifying thing I have ever, and will ever, learn in my entire life.

Time. Let’s use it while we still have it.

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Legally Blind

I went to the local eyeglass store today (we’ll call it LensMakers*) for a new pair of glasses. I know you never would have guessed what I was doing there if I didn’t tell you.

Anyways, my current pair of glasses are circa 1997 or something and have not been considered “street legal” in who knows how long. As I always wear contacts I haven’t felt the need to replace them but I’m now finding it to be more and more difficult to do the simplest of tasks when wearing them. Maybe it’s the aging process or just me maturing and realizing I should really have some sort of suitable backup should I not be able to wear my contacts. Either way watching television, trying to read the fortune out of my fortune cookie or even not walking into a wall has become like a daily quest to conquer in a game of World of Warcraft.


And that’s how I find myself at the local LensMakers* this afternoon with my work wife in tow. Shoutout to Kandi* for putting up with me. I should bake her a cake or something.

So I walk over to the women’s section and immediately enter crisis mode in my head after taking a look in front of me. Thoughts quickly translate into the words “Kandi*, I can’t afford Prada or Gucci!” Of course she then directs me down the line to something I don’t need to sacrifice this month’s pay on. Let’s be real, no one would believe I’m wearing Dolce & Gabbana anyways so I make my way over to something more affordable in an effort to save some money for bills and things like that.

I tried a few pairs on and thank the lord Kandi* was there to give a second opinion.

I picked a pair rather quickly and things were going really well. Everyone was very helpful there and Kandi’s* cousin even gave me a 50% off coupon! Totally should have gone for the high roller ones at that point…

Now it’s time to pick the lenses.

“So would you like the regular lenses or we have some nice thinner ones that we offer in-house and won’t have to send out to have made?” They were a bit more expensive but I can have them in an hour and they won’t be as thick as a coke bottle! She had a smile on her face like she’s never been told that they couldn’t provide this to a customer when all of a sudden one of the the technician’s came up to the desk. He politely let us know that they wouldn’t be able to fill my lens prescription in the store and would actually have to have it done elsewhere. Apparently my eyes are baaaaad.

I felt as though my credit card was declined at a fancy dinner and I was now being judged by the maître d’ of the restaurant.

Needless to say my glasses will arrive in approximately 10 business days and they’ll be ready to go. I may be as blind as someone trying to pimp their shades in the dead of night but hey according to Kandi* I’m gonna look goooood.


*Names have been changed to protect the innocent. Or guilty. Your guess is as good as mine.

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My Turkey Day

Ahh Thanksgiving. A day to be thankful for family, friends, and all that we have in our lives. It’s important to remember this in a time when we put so much emphasis on social status, the size of our house, and the balance of our bank accounts. These are not the things that should define us though. So tomorrow when you sit down to dinner please be sure to take a moment to look around and be appreciative for those around us, those who are in our lives but elsewhere, and even those that are not with us any longer but that we are forever grateful to have had in our lives.

I wish everyone a HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Alright, on a slightly lighter note I’m here to talk about what happens at Thanksgiving with the family when you’re in your 30’s. And single. And enjoy alcohol. Basically it’s what happens at my Thanksgivings.

Let’s start with Thanksgiving Eve:

Ever heard that the night before Thanksgiving is one of the biggest drinking nights of the year? That’s because it is. In your 20’s it seems that everyone heads to their hometowns for the holiday and all congregate at the nearest watering hole to catch up and throw a few (or 10) drinks back.


Of course we all grow up and as you make your way into your 30’s you start to make the “adult” decision to stay in on Thanksgiving Eve because you have responsibilities and you’d rather not ruin Thanksgiving for your family by being completely hungover. I’m happy to say I’m now one of those responsible people home tonight taking it easy so I’m not all hungover tomorrow.


Okay so maybe I just get drunk at home now because I’m too lazy to go out.

So listed below is an approximate hour by hour-ish breakdown of my Thanksgiving Day…… which has remained relatively the same for the past 10 years:

Around 9:00am:

Wakey wakey…with no eggs and bakey. What the hell mom I want some breakfast.


Yaaaaa so I can already tell I’m going to need a nap sometime in the next hour or two.




The family prepares for the day of thanks on the ride over to Aunt Bernice’s* house. Mom and Dad like to provide a bit of a pep talk prior to gatherings.

anigif_enhanced-buzz-28315-1407277858-13 (1)


Most of the relatives are rolling in around this time (some 25 or 30 people) and immediately feel the need to comment on the state of my appearance. Apparently it may be a bit obvious that I’m hungover?


“Thank you, I made sure to spruce myself up today.”  She did use the word ‘hot’.


Here is where the questions about my love life start to come out in full force.


So much for never drinking again.


There’s currently a debate as to whether or not I’m okay being single. I really think I am but Uncle Raymond* seems to disagree.


Well thanks for the reassurance Uncle Ray*, I hope you’re not chosen to do the eulogy at my funeral. Anyways, this conversation usually results in a couple Aunts, another Uncle and several cousins normally asking questions along the lines of…”Why do you think that you’re still alone?”

boy with a vagina

And that about sums it up. #playasgottaplay


The little kids start to make their way in my direction. Oh god, where’s your mommy little one?



It’s dinner time, let’s do this. Should I say grace?


Approximately 3:02pm:

Okay who the hell let the baby sit with me? He just spilled my damn drink!


#partyfoul #alcoholabuse #iremembermyfirstbeer


We cousins are currently arguing over who will be the next to have a child. I’ve left the conversation and just joined the kids table in the other room. Did that kid spill on me again?



I’m done.


Happy Thanksgiving!

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It’s NINJA time

So I’m sitting around enjoying some Monday Night Football the other night when I decide to do a little channel surfing late in the 3rd quarter as Manning decided to throw his 2nd interception of the evening. Your team is wearing the white jerseys Eli, not the blue ones! Anyways, so I’m scrolling through the little TV guide thingy and see a listing for ‘American Ninja Warrior’.

Obviously my first thought is…REAL LIFE FRUIT NINJA!


That guy needs a little more practice but that’s beside the point as the unfortunately the show has nothing to do with slaying fruit. Or swords for that matter. And the actual guys on the show seem in a little better shape than the one wielding the machete above.

THIS is American Ninja Warrior:


And here are some of the contestants:

NUP_164357_2138.0 (1) NinjaWarriorAmerican Ninja Warrior - Season 6A-contestant-on-American-Ninja-Warrior_event_mainanw-kcochran (1)



Maybe I’ll watch for a few minutes…..just to see what it’s all about.

In addition to some nice looking bodies, these people are INSANELY fit! And it’s not just guys, women are into it too. Seriously, how long do you have to train to be able to do this?


Look at her go! ⇑

Jeez…I do a sit-up, 5 jumping jacks and a few lunges and I’m practically dripping sweat and need to be hooked up to a ventilator. This is badass and highly entertaining as well. At one point I found myself up off the couch flailing my arms around in the air cheering them on.


This show has been on for 6 seasons. 6IX! How have I not seen this or even heard of it before? Back in the day, I used to love watching ‘American Gladiators’. This one is just like it except it has better looking people and less weird outfits. This guy just said screw the clothes though and did it naked.


Apparently he’s not scared of a little attention….or damaging the goods. I imagine there’s a bit of flip-flapping going on while traversing the course. To each their own if you want to air things out but sometimes I would think a little “support” is needed. Ya know…to keep things in place.

Here’s a guy that chose to do it with his clothes on. That looks fun. I wonder if my arms are strong enough to hold on the whole time?



So on Monday night’s episode which I believe was the final round of the National Finals in Las Vegas, there were 2 guys that made it all the way to the third stage. One of the guys was called “The Weatherman” (#weatherman) because well, he’s an actual weatherman, like on TV.

Look here he is!  


Anyways, I got pretty invested in this guy and wanting him to win it all since this is clearly no easy feat. THERE HAS NOT BEEN A SINGLE WINNER in six seasons of this epic course constructed in the City of Sin.

Sadly, there was no winner on Monday either but #weatherman put up a hell of a fight. It’s hard when you get so invested after just an hour and a half of tuning in. I think I might get a little too into television shows…



Win or lose, these contestants obviously put their heart and soul into their training and it definitely shows. It’s amazing what their bodies are capable of doing and how much they can handle. Really puts me to shame.




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To have and to hold from this day forward…

Ahhh…settling down with a ring on your finger, 2.5 kids screaming in another room, all while staring out the window at that white picket fence in the yard. The American Dream.


I however am a bit more, how shall I phrase it? Oh yes, unconventional. That’s a good word to use.

So I accompanied my “Man Friend” to a wedding this past weekend as one of his brothers was tying the knot. Weddings are always interesting especially if you’re asked to attend as a date of a family member of the bride or groom. There seems to be one general theme expressed by the family throughout the night and you quickly find out what that is.


Don’t get me wrong, I had a great time but there’s no escaping the talk of ’til death do us part’ and little rugrats running around when attending a wedding…with a date…in your 30’s.

There are approximately 3 to 5 situations you’re guaranteed to find yourself in when attending the ceremony as the new “Lady Friend”. Listed below is just a myriad of situations you can find yourself in. I’m sure there are several others I have not mentioned.

1.  MEETING THE FAM. You might as well follow the bride and groom around to each table because you’ll be making the rounds.


It’s so nice to meet you. Crap I already forgot their names…


Well we dated off and on but didn’t get together officially for a bit.


You could say we were trying to get our shit together. Because my shit is totally together now…I mean there’s no question about that…


Oh well that’s a funny story. See…


Nahhhh, I’m just kidding! I bumped into him on accident. I turned around and there was your handsome grandson just standing there, it’s true you really just find someone when you least expect it.



There’s really no getting out of this one as everyone obviously knows you’re not married (they hope). Single ladies take this seriously though. There’s no messing around when it comes to this part of the evening because as we all know…whatever lucky girl makes it out of that rugby pile of women with the bouquet is said to be the “next”.



go to the wine

What? I’m thirsty.
He better run and hide if he catches that garter…

5.  THE QUESTIONS. There’s no getting away from the aunts and uncles and grandparents that are just dying to know….

“Will we see you at Christmas?” But I hang out with MY family at Christmas…


“So tell me, are you guys next?!?”

haha 2 min later

“What are you going to name the 7 children we would love for you to have?”


Now Ma! I’m not kidding around!


THE NEXT DAY. Discussing the wedding with your friends.


Holidays? Marriage? Babies? At this rate I’ll be expected to spend multiple days a week with him! Sigh….


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To be adult or not to be….that is the question.

I’m an adult.

Priorities are important.

When you’re a responsible adult you need to keep track of things like work, appointments, bills, weddings/bridal showers/baby showers, the semi-annual sale at Victoria’s Secret, the season premiere of your favorite TV show, what night you’re going out for drinks, your weekly trip to the store to stock up on wine, the amount of vacation time you have left for work and the list goes on and on. Needless to say, it’s almost impossible to keep track of everything you might have going on and sometimes you’ll end up unintentionally “double-booked”. At this point you’ve got to make the tough decision as to what you should do and may have to sacrifice the fun for the obligations you have as a result of being an adult and doing adult things….like owning a condo.

This brings me to the present…

So I arrive home earlier this evening and am walking to the front door when all of a sudden I hear my name being called and a couple of neighbors walking my way. Of course one of them is the president of the condo association who usually wants to discuss association business at the most inopportune of times. I try to be as polite as possible and listen to what he has to say but to be completely honest, I’m really not all that interested.


As they’re approaching closer and closer to me, I’m racking my brain for something to make the conversation end quickly. I’m thinking ‘I need to wash my hair’ isn’t going to work at this moment but ‘I need to drop the kids off’ might. Anyways after exchanging pleasantries with each other, I’m asked if I’ll be attending the annual condo association meeting to discuss the happenings of the land and elect a new cabinet of executives to lead us into battle.


Damn it! Usually my Outlook calendar is pretty reliable in reminding me of what I’ve got going on but it must have forgot to inform me of this event. It certainly didn’t fail to notify me of my fantasy football draft that I have later this evening. Either that or I just forgot to enter it into my calendar?

Nah….that couldn’t be it.

Anyways, I had to make a split second decision as to whether I would do the responsible thing and leave to attend the association meeting or if I would continue making my way inside to prepare for my fantasy draft that comes but once a year. It’s like Christmas if we’re being real here.

giphy (2)

My thought process immediately went to the Pros and Cons of attending this meeting….

The last meeting I attended lasted almost 3 hours and there wasn’t even a vote for anything.


What if I have to go to the bathroom?


What if I’m thirsty?

surrounded by no beer

What if they ask me my opinion on something and I say the wrong thing?


I’ll have to vote for a new President. How do I know who is worthy of such an honor? I mean I haven’t seen any ads promoting who’s running for what and I certainly haven’t heard any of the campaign speeches with promises of a Mimosa bar on Sunday’s in the lobby or beer pong tournaments the first Friday of each month. How am I supposed to make an educated decision with so little information?


Those thoughts flashed through my mind as I realized I really need to be responsible and do the right thing though. I knew I should skip my fantasy football draft and leave my 2014 roster in the hands of the Fantasy Gods otherwise known as the Autodraft option. As much as I didn’t want to attend the condo association meeting, I knew I really should. I’m a homeowner. My decision was made.


Later that evening:


Yeah….I said I should be responsible, I didn’t say I would be! Dude my fantasy team is going to kick ass this year! Wooooooo!!!!

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Takin’ care of Bidness.

I’d like to take a moment to talk about taking care of business at the office.

I mean…Bidness.

So the company I work for has 3 different bathrooms (men and women have separate areas) throughout the building yet there seems to be one common trend with regards to use.

‘Bidness’ only happens in one of them.

LOCATION 1:  The Watch Your BackThroom

This one is located toward the front of the building and is home to one of the more ‘stuffy’ areas of the building, not only in terms of location but also employees that are in close proximity. If you happen to venture in, be prepared for the fallout.


LOCATION 2:  The Catch All

These bathrooms are centrally located and home to several departments in the building, essentially making it a public spectacle if anything out of the ordinary occurs.


I mean I don’t blame the ladies for not wanting to relieve themselves around there. You’ve got peeps noticing when you walk in and out so they know how long you’ve been occupying the stall, not to mention if someone walks in right after you. If there’s a peculiar odor there’s a good chance they’ll know who the culprit is (#totesawks). If by chance you have no choice but to drop the kids here you really need to be stealth about it.


LOCATION 3:  The Shitter……..Literally.

This bathroom is located upstairs in an unfinished area of the building. Very few people work on the second floor so in theory it should see no traffic yet probably sees more female traffic than all bathrooms combined.


Because all the women flock to one specific bathroom to POOP.  ——————–>

I think it’s home to at least half the female population in the building when it comes to dropping off the kids. I shit you not (see what I did there?) everyone heads upstairs to take care of bidness. Now I wouldn’t be making a big deal out of this, I actually think its quite funny, however my desk is in the upstairs section therefore making that bathroom my “home turf”. It ALWAYS smells.


There’s approximately 75 total people that work in the building so you take the men out of the equation and we’re left with anywhere from maybe 30 to 35 females at most. There are only 6 women that work on the 2nd floor and this bathroom can rival rush hour traffic in Boston.

Yes, we get a lot of ‘out-of-towners’ in our neck of the woods.

As opposed to the stealth retreat from the other facilities, ladies have no problem making their exit known when leaving The Shitter upstairs. I swear women walk out of there without a care in the world.



Every time I walk in there the smell seems to get worse! I’m not sure if it’s the summer heat or what but it definitely does not smell of roses and sunshine.


Therefore I walk out of the bathroom and it’s like I’m leaving a Subway where the smell, for whatever reason, latches right on and follows you out of the shop staying with you for the next hour letting everyone know where you’ve been.


At some point I feel like we’re going to have to hire a BRouncer (BathRoom bouncer?) just to stand outside the door and scan work badges to make sure that people have a reason to be in this part of the building and using this particular bathroom facility.


Fear not my friends…….



It’s time to reclaim what is rightfully ours. Let’s take back our right to an odorless, fresh smelling bathroom. We can do our business without needing to break records in the amount of breaths we take before fleeing the stalls. It’s time to come together and make this happen. We don’t need to be afraid..there’s 6 of us against uhmm…the rest?



I suppose we could just invest in some bathroom spray or Poo-Pourri…



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Another year older…Another year wiser?

Well another year has passed for me in the blink of an eye.

As I sit here and ponder the last 365 days, I realize that despite the rocky roads I’ve experienced here and there, it’s been a good year and I’ve even learned a couple of things. You can’t ask for more than that I suppose.

Upon reflecting, I feel the need to share this wisdom (however significant or insignificant it might be) that has been bestowed upon me and raise my glass of wine to making it another year older. To those of you always by my side, I thank you.

Please note, my new-found knowledge is in no particular order.

1.  You’re going to mess up, there’s no way around it. Just remember though, making a mistake doesn’t make you any less of a person, it’s just important to learn from it so we’re not destined to repeat them in the future.

f'ing good person

2.  It’s important to take care of yourself by working out and making healthier food choices.

salad at dominos

3.  My love for the hashtag.


#justin #jimmy #hashtag #latenight #summer #monday #redwalls #rockintheplaid #workit #itsmybirthday #suckit #itsthesickdwagga #iwanttoagelikefinewine #pizzaforever #sittingonthecouch #yolo #old #dontneedawalkeryet #ilikebingo #cruzzlesandbeatles #stophashtagging

4.  Life’s gonna knock you down every now and then. Don’t be afraid to bounce right back.


After all, you need the bad to appreciate the good.

5.  It’s okay to have a little fun in the dating world, life’s too short to play it safe. #hatethegamenottheplayah


6.  At the same time, I’ve learned you gotta know when it’s just not working and to throw in the towel. If it’s not right, it’s not right. There’s no use prolonging the inevitable. This goes for any type of relationship.


7.  I am 100% reliant upon my cell phone. For. Everything.

phone brain

Email, weather, games, directions, apps, taking pictures, ordering pizza, fantasy football, watching stupid dog videos and the list goes on. I think the one thing I don’t actually use it for much is making a phone call. It’s ironic, don’t ya think?

8.  You just gotta let it out. Cry, scream, get mad…whatever you need to do. Don’t hold it in or else your feelings will build up until they just explode creating a wave of mass destruction for anyone or anything in your path.

h - crying

Trust me, crying about it for 10 minutes is a lot easier.

9.  Accept your faults and embrace them. There’s no such thing as a perfect person and we certainly can’t be a master in every aspect of life.


10.  Be positive. Know that things will get better and look ahead to the future with a smile.


11.  And finally I’ve saved the most important for last. If you don’t already know this or have not experienced it for yourself, I urge you to get on it ASAP.


That’s right….BREAKING BAD. Hands down the best television series ever. What are you waiting for? Go watch it….now!




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My quest for the Cruzzle.

The other night I noticed myself doing something a bit out of the ordinary after slipping on my comfy pants and doing my usual “après work” routine.


Oh sorry, not that.

It’s what I was doing after I poured myself a bit of Red. Without realizing it I found myself listening to the Beatles and Cat Stevens, sipping on my wine and doing crossword puzzles with the television off. Holy crap. After I got over the fact that I should check the mail to see if my AARP card had arrived, I actually found it quite peaceful so I continued on….for the next 2 hours. I’m not sure if you’ve ever done crossword puzzles before but that’s a long time in “cruzzle” time. And yes, I just made up a new word.

Anyways, this new hobby has spurred my desire to complete a full crossword puzzle. In essence, it’s my very own quest for the gold.

It’s true, I have yet to finish a cruzzle. The book clearly says EASY in big bold letters but I beg to differ. I’d like to know who’s actually assessing the difficulty level on these books they sell because I’m very interested in writing a letter expressing my thoughts on the matter.

Trying to complete one of these things is quite intense. I can’t begin to describe the myriad of emotions that have overcome me in my pursuit.

I’m sure as hell gonna try though.


Here we go:

You’ve just gotten 10 of the last 15 words right.

bb jesse dancing

You’re on a 5 to 10 word dry spell.

hit head

Are you f*#@ing kidding me? That has to be the right word!

smash keyboard

Why are my hands black? Oh yeah, these puzzles are printed like newspapers. It’s almost like I’ve teleported back in time with this new pastime of mine.

Anyways, who brings home the cheddah without getting a little cheese on themselves?imagesBGI1OO7G
I rest my case.

You’re well on your way to finishing and you realize you’ve just been punk’d by the Cruzzle Gods.

angry dwight


#so done

And again.

help me

The feeling that says to give up, move on and find a new hobby lingers, however you’re hit with a new energy saying failure is not an option.

gatorade me

To this day I have not completed an entire Cruzzle but believe me, I will continue this quest and it will most certainly end in victory.


Just remember…I’m doing this not only for myself but for those out there who feel my pain.


The struggle is real people and I’m here to tell the story.

United we stand.

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Ready for a baby?

I’m at the age now where all of my friends are getting married, buying houses, having kids and planning out their 401K. Meanwhile, I’m relaxing on the couch with a bottle (c’mon who really just drinks a glass?) of wine wondering if I’m mature enough to get a puppy. As the responsible adult I am, I’ve come up with a list of pros and cons to assist in my decision.

PRO: They’re cute!


Seriously so adorable!


CON: They’re a bit crazy though. It’s time to sit on the couch and watch some television. Seriously….what are you doing?


PRO: They’re so lovable!


CON: They’re so lovable. Seriously, stop licking me. Please?


PRO: They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. I beg to differ, young or old, my dog will do all kinds of cool shit.


CON: Realistically speaking the whole teaching my dog tricks thing is a pipe dream. This will most likely be the extent of my dog’s activities.


PRO: Doing fun and silly stuff together while enjoying some wine! Just look at how much fun he’s having!


I’m really picturing one of those moments in the movies where the character looks back on their life while some sappy song narrates the flashback and reflects on their greatest moments. This is part of that scene. There’s also a scene where we’re running on the beach (hand to leash) enjoying a beautiful sunny day while I try to teach him how to catch a frisbee when in reality he gives up after 5 minutes to lay on the beach because he’s a lazy ass.

Anyways, moving on…

CON: Forgetting about the silly stuff I started doing after consuming a bottle of wine. Of course that’s only until I wake up the next morning to go to the bathroom. The silver lining though is at least there wouldn’t have been any accidents around the house. Poor guy though, he probably has a cramp or something. Mama loves you!


PRO: Dogs are super smart. Look at him swat away the arm of that baby saying “No. That cookie is mine kid. Ya better recognize before I knock your ass out.”


CON: Similar to buying a new car, there’s always a lemon in the group.


You never know what you’re going to end up with!

PRO: They’re always willing to cuddle with you on the couch.


CON: They might not realize when they’re no longer welcome on the couch.


“If I was a real child this would be considered abuse. I’m very uncomfortable right now.”

PRO CON: A dog can provide a sense of security around the house. In some cases they can even act as a deterrent to unwanted guests. However, I’m quite keen on the pug breed and unfortunately I’m just not sure they can offer the kind of protection that is considered a trait in a “guard dog”.


I’m just not sensing the fear. I could be wrong though.

So am I responsible enough for a pseudo child? I mean they’re quite similar, puppies are going to cry, have accidents, need to be fed and want to be played with. Let’s be real, for all intents and purposes a puppy is a baby you adopt except you can leave them in a crate while you’re at the office working and won’t get arrested for leaving them home alone one night to go out drinking if you can’t find a babysitter.

I just don’t know.

Maybe I’ll get a fish. Baby steps.

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