Monthly Archives: July 2013

5 Reasons to Unfriend Your Mother on Facebook.

We’re all faced with difficult decisions in life and wonder if we’re making the right choices or not. For instance…

Is this the right job for me?
Is now the right time to sell my house?
Do I see kids in my future?
Should I accept my Mother’s Facebook friend request?

These are all questions that need to be thought through before you just fly off the handle and quit your job, get knocked up or click confirm on that request from your mom.

So let’s try and tackle this last one as I was recently faced with the dilemma of whether my mom and I should take that step and become official “friends” on Facebook. Should I or shouldn’t I? That was the question.

And here we had my mom’s argument for it:

Alright Ma, let’s give it a try. You are now officially a “friend”. It would become clear, rather quickly I might add, that this probably wasn’t the best idea.

Here we go…5 reasons to unfriend (or not become friends in the first place) with your mother on the book…

1. The random comment on your post reminding you that she is your mother and you are her child, no matter what age you are.

Seriously mom, I’m an adult, it’s okay if I swear. And please, I want to hear nothing about you and dad in the bedroom.

2. The phone call to ask what your latest post means which inevitably leads to an in depth conversation about the choices you make in life.

Me – “I’m drunk though!” hahaha.

Mom – “Oh honey, I really wish you wouldn’t drink so much. People are going to think you’re an alcoholic. Did you really need to post that picture of the shots you and your friends were taking? Did you know that alcoholism runs in our family? Remember my Aunt Tina’s third cousin Bob you met that one time at a family reunion? Yeah, well his daughter Barb, she’s an alcoholic.

Me – “……”

3. The old school photo from when you were 12 that your mother feels the need to upload and tag you in so all of your friends can see.

It’s called “jazz hands” people…

4. The awkward status update and comments to follow that your mother posts seemingly forgetting that it’s viewable to all…including her children.

Seriously ma, stop talking about sex! So awkward….

5. Your mother commenting on your status and not understanding the acronyms.

In the end my mother and I decided that it was in the best interests of both of us to end our Facebook relationship and go back to living our lives blissfully unaware of what the other is doing. Goodbye Mother.

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Guys, I gotta go home now…

Saturday Afternoon 3pm:

“Might as well have a drink while I’m sitting at the water soaking up the hot sun. I’m going to chill tonight though, there’s no need to get drunk every weekend.”

I say this as I sit with my mother (who offers a proud smile), my dad (who scrunches his forehead trying to determine if I really said that) and my brother (who just says “ya, ok” and starts laughing).

“What are you laughing at?”

So it’s now night time and I find myself getting ready to board a party boat full of crazies. I have actually been taking it easy so far, I mean I’m not “sober” by even the most liberal of breathalyzer tests but I’m not all hammed up either. However that would soon change as the Dr. decided to join in on the ride.

IF

Temptation is a royal bitch.

Jello shots? Why not.

Followed by…

The result:

So now it’s about 12:45 or so and my brother and his girlfriend want to be dropped off at my parents so they can go to bed. Haha I’m outdrinking my 25 year old bro!

“Pffft you can’t pahhty!”

Of course all the guys on the boat are loving the fact that I stay on the boat to continue on the night and my bro bows out gracefully. But suddenly tragedy strikes when my brother’s friend on the boat gets a phone call.

Me – “Oh hey mom. Why are you calling Tom’s* phone?”
Mom – “Hi honey, maybe they should drop you off too. You need to eat something, you didn’t have dinner earlier.”
Me – “Ya, I’ll grab something from the fridge when I get dropped off later, I’m good ma!”

At this point everyone is quiet because it’s funny as hell that we’re all adults and my mother is calling a friends phone to summons me home. I look over and it’s like they can’t wait to see what happens next.

Mom – “Oh why don’t you just come home now, have the boys drop you off. I’ll see you in a few!”
Me – “But mom, I don’t wanna come home. It’s not that late and I’m not hungry.”
Mom – “Just come home you’re plates ready, it’s on the counter.”
Me – “Ugh fine mom. Bye.”

“Guys mom said I have to go home.” Wait a minute…I’m 32 years old and I just listened to my mother when she said come home.

One word. Awkward.

I might be listening to my mother and on my way home but that doesn’t mean I don’t partayyy to the end.

Everyone on the boat  – “Do it, do it, do it!!!”

Oh I did it. I ain’t scared.

Then I stumbled off the boat, with beer in hand, onto the dock and made my way inside. “Hi ma.”

HAHAHAHA psyche! I’m 32 years old!

Mom did have a big ass plate of food waiting for me on the counter though. Me + drunk + late night = I LOVE FOOOOOOOOD! Ya ya ya.

SIDE NOTE: If anyone was wondering what became of the good Dr. that night…..he had to call a taxi.

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4th of July Vaca – Day 4

CHAPTER 4:
Saturday – July 6, 2013

*As always, names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Music…..To the windows, to the walls, to the sweat drip down my balls, all you bitches crawl….

WTF who is calling me at this ungodly hour?

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Of course it would be Cassidy*.

Me – “What up byotch?”
Cass – “Let’s hit the beach!”
Me – “Do you realize what time it is?”

Cass – “Get your ass outta bed, I’m coming to pick you up. Just finishing up my run, be there in 20.”
Me – “Ugh”

Who the hell goes running this early on a Saturday morning? Sometimes I don’t understand people. Ugh I should not have drank all that I did yesterday. Seriously why does everything hurt? I feel like an 80 year old trying to roll out of bed.

8:15am – I’m really making an honest attempt to get ready for the beach but damn I’m moving pretty slow.

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Alright, it might be time to admit to myself that going hard so many days in a row may be too much for me. I think I need to call Cassidy* back and let her know that I need to stay here at the camp and relax for the day and just hydrate with something non-alcoholic.

HOLD UP!

It’s beach time bitches.

8:52am – Cassidy* and I are on the way to her house to pick up her stuff and then we’re beach bound.

Cass – “Wanna get some breakfast and bloody’s??”
Me – ” Don’t threaten me with a good time.”

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11:14am – Mmm had a couple mimosa’s, bloody’s and breakfast. We’re at the beach now and looking for a place to park. Should have figured it would be crazy busy as it’s a holiday weekend and all. There’s no spots in the area we normally would park so we head to the other side of the beach to post up there and just walk over to the actual beachy “sand” area.

Ya know, we really have the best intentions but unfortunately we got thirsty along the way and had to stop to replenish fluids. This is great! We’re sitting on the top deck of the bar oceanside and we’re the only ones up here! Who needs sand? We can see the water and some guy is delivering us adult beverages! Pfft…

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12:59pm – Selfies!

1:33pm – Enough of the beach, let’s head back to the lake! Hahaha only Cass* and I would head to the beach and only make it to the bars!

3:15pm – It’s a party up in heeeyah! Met up with Miguel* at the lake. It’s hot and humid so we’re just chillin in the water and he’s asking about our morning/very early afternoon at the beach.

Miguel – “How was the beach?”
Me & Cass – “It was fun.” Not a lie.
Miguel – “A lotta people?”
Me & Cass – ” Soo many.”
Miguel – “You guys didn’t even make it on the actual beach did you?”
Me & Cass – “Umm we were definitely at the beach!” Again, not a lie. We could see it from the bar.

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6:31pm – Holy shit, did I get in a fight and not remember? Every bone in my body hurts.

7:47pm – I’m over at my camp now just sitting around finishing my beer with my parents and uncles. Things are not looking good for me. Seriously did someone beat me with a baseball bat?

8:02pm – I’m now in the kitchen devouring food when my mom walks in asking if I want to go for an early boat ride with them. Excuse me, early? It’s 8pm mother. It’s now night time.

Mom – “Ok honey, go get some sleep. If you need us just call, we’ll be out on the boat. Get some rest, love you!”

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Am I really going to bed before 9pm while my parents head out partying? Awww shit, yes I am.

EPILOGUE
Sunday – July 7, 2013

All day –

Amypoehler

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4th of July Vaca – Day 3

CHAPTER 3:

Friday – July 5, 2013

*As always, names have been changed to protect the guilty.

9:30am – I wake up at a pretty reasonable time on Friday. Not sure why or how since I’m usually one to sleep late if I don’t have to work but I figure this gives me more time to enjoy the beautiful day outside.

I showered up and walked downstairs to get some breakfast. Mom asked if I wanted her to make me anything, I thanked her but let her know I got it covered. I’m all set Ma! Breakfast is served.

I feel great this morning. I’m very thankful I’m not as hungover as yesterday but also proud of myself for putting up quite the effort to party last night. I’m on Day 3 of partying and I don’t seem to be slowing down, I can totally handle this. Pfft the younger generation should be taking tips from me on how to party like a rockstar. As Vanilla Ice said….Anything less than the best is a felony!

11:51am – Cassidy* has arrived to the camp! It’s about 95 degrees with 100% humidity so we’ve got one option and one option only….

I’m hangin out with my BFF, staying cool in the water, getting a tan AND I got my beer!

3:22pm – Again Cassidy* and I find ourselves in the middle of the lake with my brother and some other friends.

6:10pm – We’re still on the boat, we’ve been out visiting people and floating in the lake being responsible of course. We’re on our way to the next stop….Paulie* and Layla’s* camp who are friends of my parents. We’re all friends with Paulie* and Layla’s* kids who are there with their own children as well.

Translation…..motorized kids toys! The yard was full of them and I took advantage. Disclaimer – I do not condone drinking and driving.

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9:59pm – I’m now at my camp and yep, I am wasted. Damn it’s only 10pm too. I bet all the kids in their 20’s are still out partying on the water as I’m one-eyeing it to keep from seeing triple.

Now the next morning when you inevitably reflect on the previous evening, there’s always a certain point where you realize you should have gone to bed and I think that was it for me. Did I though? Hell no! Who thinks rationally after pulling an 8 hour day of drinking, not to mention the amount of overtime I put in today as well.

One more drink can’t hurt so I stumble over to the fridge and my mother proceeds to ask if I really need another. Why yes I do!

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My parents just laughed at me as I sat down at the fire with them and drank another.

To Be Continued…

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4th of July Vaca – Day 2

CHAPTER 2:

Thursday – July 4, 2013

*As always, names have been changed to protect the guilty.

6:00am – All of a sudden I’m startled awake by Cassidy* who is waking me up along with my cousin Miguel*.

It takes me a moment to remember that I’m curled up on a lumpy couch with no pillow and they want to leave and head home to sleep in real beds. Okay, I’m no longer angry. By the way, I should mention all 3 of us slept on a wraparound couch so you can imagine how comfortable that was.

As I roll off the couch I realize I’ve only had about 3 hours of sleep but I don’t feel half bad. I just can’t figure out if it’s because I’m not hungover or I’m still drunk. I can’t for the life of me believe that I’m not hungover after last night so I’m just going to assume…

11:00am – Just made it to my parents camp. I’ve showered up, mom just made me a plate of food and now I’m good to go. Let’s do this! It’s the 4th of July, no time to waste!

5 minutes later….

2:03pm – Well that nap was unexpected. Let’s try this again. Time to crack one open.

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Meanwhile people keep stopping over on boats; my parents camp is like Grand Central Station right now. Even better, my bro just showed up on one of the boats with Cassidy*, Miguel* and some of our friends and they’re all stumbling their way off the dock. Oh ya I’m hitching a ride on that boat later!

4:52pm – Alright time to head for the high seas. I grab some beers and let the fam know I’m heading out for a “cocktail” cruise on the party boat.  Just one drink, I won’t be long! Translation…

We’re now out in the middle of the lake and seem to have become part of a large gathering of boats, almost like we’ve created our own little boat island consisting of nothing but board shorts, bikinis, booze and drunk people. Now this is a party!

LET US OUT! Now somewhere along the line we must have started growing up and believe it or not maturing because we all look around at each other as drunk people are falling onto our boat, screaming in our ears and spilling drinks all over us. Dude! Stop spilling your drink on me! That’s what we “older” people refer to as Alcohol Abuse.

11:38pm – I’ve just been dropped off the boat and everyone is sitting around the fire enjoying themselves while I try to walk a straight line off the dock to avoid a late night dip in the water.

Mission accomplished! My parents, aunts, uncles and cousins all look surprisingly impressed by my accomplishment.

Apparently I felt like I was still good to go because I grabbed a beer and took a seat in the circle. Things were going well up until the point I needed another drink and turned to my (quite sheltered) 16-year old cousin and asked him if he wanted a beer as well. He politely declined with a nervous smile and then I proceeded to get an earful from my mother about how inappropriate that was and received a couple of glares from my aunt. What? I was throwing ’em back at that age!

And on that note, it’s time for bed.

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4th of July Vaca – Day 1

The 4th of July is a time to celebrate our Nation’s independence and show our love and devotion to the United States of America.

We all had our own ways to go about this celebration…some celebrations lasted just the day and others stretched it out a bit longer. In my case, I felt the need to celebrate from Wednesday afternoon through Saturday night.  I like to think I’m still a youngin’ and can handle 4 straight days of sun, booze and staying up until the wee hours of the morning.

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The following timeline is based on a true story of a 30-something year old partying like a rockstar (or at least trying to) while coming to grips with the fact she may be getting a tad bit older whether she wants to realize it or not.

Okay, the story’s about me. Anyways, have I now become the older person trying to keep up with the new generation of kids taking over our turf?? Stay tuned to find out.

I shall now tell the story of my journey through the 4th of July extended weekend.
(Story told in 4 chapters)

CHAPTER 1:

Wednesday – July 3, 2013

3:00pm – Out of work for the next 4 days! I’m heading to my parents lake house for the rest of the week and meeting up with some friends.

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4:00pm – The first alcoholic drink of the day. Pre-gaming before the real fun starts!

5:30pm – We’re professionals so we know it’s good to get something in our stomachs before a night of drinking. However, we want to be packed up and out of the house by 6pm to head to the lake so there’s no time to waste eating dinner.

7:00pm – We have arrived and it’s time to head out on the boat for a nice relaxing cruise. It’s a beautiful night to enjoy some time with friends. Let’s make sure we have everything.

Coolers full of water? Haha not on this ride.
Coolers full of beer? YEP!
Food? Had those chicken wings earlier, we’re all set! We gotta leave plenty of room for drinks of course.
Life Jackets? Who knows.
Cell phone? Don’t need it, people should know where the party’s at.

815pm – Shots shots shots shots shots  shotsshots shots shots shots  shotsshots shots shots shots shots everybody!

10:28pm – Those shots were a great idea, we’re ready now for the next stop. We’re riding along to find the party but we don’t know exactly where it is so at this point you kind of just look for a bunch of lights, people and fireworks.

“Oh I hear people! And they’re lighting off fireworks! That’s gotta be it.”

Now some people like to fly under the radar when showing up somewhere but no, not us. When you cruise up to a camp on the lake you need to make an appropriate entrance to let everyone know you’ve arrived. That’s why when we found our destination we turned up the volume and blasted out the National Anthem while standing up, raising our drinks and of course screaming along to the song while flashing the lights on the boat. Yes, we know we’re cool.

The only problem was when we pulled up to the dock we realized everyone outside had stopped talking and was now just looking at us wondering who the hell we were.

“We’re here for the party!”
“Oh, no party here?”
“Ok, don’t mind us, have a nice evening!” Back up the boat, back it up!

Ya, we had the wrong camp. Oops. Alright let’s try this again. We’re back in the middle of the cove and hear lots of cheering and plenty of obscenities…that is definitely our group of friends. Que up the National Anthem, we’re coming in hot!

11:03pm – We’ve arrived! There’s music blasting, drunk people everywhere, plenty of booze AND fireworks.

Now as we all know it’s probably not the best idea to combine alcohol and explosives but ya know….it’s the 4th of July! Seriously though, what could go wrong?

Sadly that actually happened. Not good not good! BUT after a few days of wearing a patch and resting the eye, he’s going to be okay. Be careful with fireworks kids!

2:38am – We just docked the boat, I’m hammered! And I NEED FOOD. Guys seriously…

FEED ME!

3:05am – Mmmm cheeseburger.

“Guyz hey is dis ok? Is looks red? Is it cooked?”

“Ya ya, you be fine. Ya that look gooooooood. mmmmmmmmmmmm”
“Uhkay if you sayz so”

I will regret eating that in the morning.

3:22am – Too drunk to get home and no cabs are answering. I got my water and this couch is as good as it’s gonna get tonight.

To Be Continued…

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