Posts Tagged With: wine

My quest for the Cruzzle.

The other night I noticed myself doing something a bit out of the ordinary after slipping on my comfy pants and doing my usual “après work” routine.

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Oh sorry, not that.

It’s what I was doing after I poured myself a bit of Red. Without realizing it I found myself listening to the Beatles and Cat Stevens, sipping on my wine and doing crossword puzzles with the television off. Holy crap. After I got over the fact that I should check the mail to see if my AARP card had arrived, I actually found it quite peaceful so I continued on….for the next 2 hours. I’m not sure if you’ve ever done crossword puzzles before but that’s a long time in “cruzzle” time. And yes, I just made up a new word.

Anyways, this new hobby has spurred my desire to complete a full crossword puzzle. In essence, it’s my very own quest for the gold.

It’s true, I have yet to finish a cruzzle. The book clearly says EASY in big bold letters but I beg to differ. I’d like to know who’s actually assessing the difficulty level on these books they sell because I’m very interested in writing a letter expressing my thoughts on the matter.

Trying to complete one of these things is quite intense. I can’t begin to describe the myriad of emotions that have overcome me in my pursuit.

I’m sure as hell gonna try though.

——————–

Here we go:

You’ve just gotten 10 of the last 15 words right.

bb jesse dancing

You’re on a 5 to 10 word dry spell.

hit head

Are you f*#@ing kidding me? That has to be the right word!

smash keyboard

Why are my hands black? Oh yeah, these puzzles are printed like newspapers. It’s almost like I’ve teleported back in time with this new pastime of mine.

Anyways, who brings home the cheddah without getting a little cheese on themselves?imagesBGI1OO7G
I rest my case.

You’re well on your way to finishing and you realize you’ve just been punk’d by the Cruzzle Gods.

angry dwight

Again.

#so done

And again.

help me

The feeling that says to give up, move on and find a new hobby lingers, however you’re hit with a new energy saying failure is not an option.

gatorade me

To this day I have not completed an entire Cruzzle but believe me, I will continue this quest and it will most certainly end in victory.

——————–

Just remember…I’m doing this not only for myself but for those out there who feel my pain.

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The struggle is real people and I’m here to tell the story.

United we stand.
Peace.

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I don’t even know!

Throughout my life I’ve been curious. Why is the sky blue, whatever happened to that curious monkey we called George, who the hell invented the English language and why with all the advancements in technology are we not flying around in hovercrafts Jetson’s style.

However if all my thoughts and ridiculous questions could be answered so easily I’d be a little concerned as to why I’m the only one still struggling to find the answers to this crap.

Crazy or not, I’ve assembled a few questions that I am just dying to know an answer to.

#1

How many licks does it really take?


I thought I cared but I really don’t give a shit. I’ve actually attempted to answer this by an elaborate scientific study but got bored halfway through much like the owl/bird above and just bit the damn tootsie pop. As that chick says “Ain’t nobody got time for dat”. This question does not count.

#1  Fo’ Real.

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Alright people, I’m just asking what we’re all thinking….Why the hell order 11 pizzas and only ONE of them is cheese? Come on, how many combinations of toppings are there really? Trust me, you’re not going to miss out on a “winner” by ordering an extra cheese. I don’t want to be a hater but really Mrs. McAllister? Work with Kevin a bit here, he got the short end of the stick with dinner and you wanted to have him sleep with the kid that pees the bed. Damn it no wonder there was a sequel and he got misplaced…again.

#2
Can you literally drink yourself to death in one sitting?

blackout drunk

Please don’t let these be my last words.

I heard about this famous dude that was sitting on a bar stool and next thing ya know, he keeled right over. Sad story…but also epic. Don’t shake your head like I’m crazy. As much as I despise the thought of anyone passing, I can’t help the fact that if it’s my time to go then I’d prefer it to be one hell of a story. If I swallow my last sip of wine while inhaling my final breath, I hope my friends argue or even bitch fight over who gets to keep the last bottle of wine I ever consumed. It would become one hell of a mantle piece and that mantle would be Legen….wait for it…dary! No lie, it would be awesome. It’d be almost like they were fighting over who gets to keep my ashes, actually that wine bottle would make a nice urn….Hmmm…just a thought my friends.
Epilogue: I have just googled this to gain further information and have found that this “famous person” above may not exist and I may have created this scenario in my mind. The jury is still out. Either way I’m very interested in this topic as it may play a part in my demise one day.

#3
What was Snow really rapping about?

Seriously? I can’t even read it like a story let alone spit that rhyme. Not gonna lie though….love Informer. Let’s just say if I’m rocking out to 90’s music and a little Snow appears, there’s no way in hell I’m going to hit next on Pandora. It’s a classic one hit wonder.

Hold up. Greatest Hits? I don’t know whether to laugh or cry right now so I’m just going to refill my glass of wine and let it sink in.

Snow (the Artist not the 5 inches we received in the Northeast today) has a Greatest Hits album? I actually was not aware he had more than one song let alone more than one hit.
I can’t even….speechless. Moving on.

Wait…is this what they mean when they say some questions are better left unanswered?

#4

KIDDING!….Again.

I already know the answer. They escaped because the Baja Men put the song on repeat and eventually the dogs just rebelled against the system and escaped. If there was an accomplice I have to think that DMX played a part. Let’s not forget “Get at Me Dog” could have been something to rile those canines up rather than just a laid back playful song we all initially thought it was.

#4 Fo’ Real.

Adam & Eve.

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I have MANY questions with this one. Like how did they figure out where to put the damn thing?? I know it seems pretty obvious now but looking back to grammar school I was astounded at what I heard and can only imagine I heard way more than Adam or Eve did from the quiet chatter of the garden. I am really envious and can only hope if put in the same position that I’d be able to “make it work”. Ya feel me? Ya you know what I’m sayin…

#5

Is there a heaven?

I have no idea but if there is, I imagine it looks something like this…

vodkabeachparty

Dear God!

I always thought this would be an amazing experience and you have not disappointed! Thank you for always looking after me while I was down there and now while I visit….errr…I mean live for eternity up here. I just feel so welcome (it’s the booze but don’t be afraid to stock up on the vino as well) 🙂

Sincerely,
eSkillz

PS….Can’t wait to meet 2Pac…where ya hiding him? I won’t tell Biggie, promise.
(Cheers man…throw ya glass up)

To sum it up…we’ll always have questions thrown at us that we may not know the answers to but I have found there a few responses that are universal and can pretty much apply to anything and everything. Let me leave you with what has saved my ass in multiple situations….whether it be unknown answers to questions, awkward situations or a grumbling stomach I give you the key to the castle:

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TRUE STORY.

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Friday night….time to get crazy.

Ahh Friday at 5pm…what a beautiful beast you are for us nine-to-fivers.

It’s the weekend! So obviously there’s a few things I want to do tonight and I’m hoping it doesn’t get too crazy. I need to change my sheets, fold the mountain of laundry in the spare bedroom that continues to grow every time I wash another load and also take out the trash. Oh and if I have some time, I’ll catch up on the Dexter DVD from Netflix that’s been sitting on my coffee table for the past month and a half. Oh and check the mail. I NEED to check my mail.

Wait it’s Friday, when the hell did I turn 80?

Oh well, first things first. Time for a glass of wine.

5:29pm – First sip….yummy.

5:33pm – Let’s knock some stuff off my to-do list for the evening. Dexter Season 7 Episode 1. Who’s up next on your kill table Dex?

Sometimes I sit at my desk at work and think about this as co-workers talk to me.

6:28pm – One more episode of Dexter and then it’s on to something else productive. Let’s fill up the wine glass again though. Don’t judge me.

judging you

Assholes.

6:55pm – I find myself sympathizing with Dexter the ‘serial killer’ and oddly attracted to him. Is that weird? Probably. But’s he’s cute! In a strange way. Whatevs.

PAUSE!

more wine

7:23pm – Screw it there’s one more episode on this DVD. It would be wrong to stop now.

8:22pm – Chore #1 COMPLETE. Dexter’s been checked off the list. I feel pretty accomplished right now. Now would be the time to walk out to the mailbox and put that DVD in while retrieving the mail I haven’t checked in about 5 weeks. And doing that in 5, 4, 3, 2, let’s save that for the morning.

pouring wine

8:30pm – While I heat up some food I’ll knock something else off the list. Chore #2 COMPLETE! I took out the trash.

8:41pm – OMG I’m so hungry.

9:02pm – Mother f*cker! I forgot to take out the pizza boxes with the trash. Remind me to add that to tomorrow’s list. I was hoping to be able to relax but now I’ve already got shit to do.

9:09pm – Where the hell is the rest of my wine? Must be a damn hole in the bottle. This is bullshit.

10:18pm – I’m watching a Christmas movie on Lifetime. Dear God what has happened to me…it’s a Friday night, never mind the fact we haven’t even hit Thanksgiving yet. I remember the days when it was all shots of patrone and dancing on top of bars and now here I am…

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My To-Do list for tomorrow:

– Take out the pizza boxes.
– Fold the mountain of laundry that I may or may not get to tonight.
– Get my mail.
– Stock up on wine.
– Call mom to say hi.
– Go grocery shopping.

It’s like there’s no end to responsibility when you’re an adult.

shit sucks

11:32pm – I am completely wrapped up in this Lifetime movie. That chick should win an Oscar for her performance!

Agreed…I should go to bed now. Goodnight.

WTF!…I need to put sheets on my bed cus I tore them off earlier in an effort to make myself go to sleep in a clean bed.

shit shit shit

Ugh Chore #3 to be completed ASAP.

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Birth Control Comes In All Forms…

So recently I spent the evening at a friends house to catch up, indulge in a bit of wine and enjoy a nice Thanksgiving type dinner. The thought of spending a relaxing night on the couch with my friend Kandi* really sounded quite nice. Okay, I’m on my way!

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I finally arrive at Kandi’s* house (west of the boondocks but just south of the middle of nowhere) and am greeted immediately by her two kids and a couple of barking dogs.

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“No, no kids. Not till Auntie E pours herself a glass of wine. It’s a Saturday night after all.Okay who am I kidding, it could be a Tuesday for all I know and I’d still be sniffing out the Pinot.

After settling in, I was able to spend some time with the baby. She is soooo ADORABLE, I just can’t get over it. It’s hard to believe she’s almost a year old already!

Sometimes I just feel like such a natural with kids. It must be that motherly instinct everyone talks about.

So things were a bit out of control…

“There you are Cliff!” Usually that cat doesn’t come out til later!

Anyways….there was some running, a bit of crying, jumping on the coffee table, barking, throwing toys as well as an abundance of screaming. Not to mention the fact that my wine was almost spilled on multiple occasions. Children these days really need to learn that spilled booze is a form of alcohol abuse…

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Seriously, I couldn’t even hear myself think. I don’t get how parents do it. Almost 2 hours in and I was already questioning my sanity.

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Time for dinner! So the turkey wasn’t quite done by the time we were ready to eat as it actually never started. It might as well have been still outside trying to escape becoming some family’s centerpiece on the Thanksgiving dinner table. Apparently you shouldn’t just “set it and forget it” when it comes to those outdoor fryers. Anyways, with some improvising (rotisserie chicken from the grocery store) we were good to go. Dinner was served!

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Don’t judge….I had some chicken and stuffing too.

After dinner I was introduced to Caillou. For those of you that don’t know what that is or have never heard of it (me being one of those people) it is a children’s television show and I gotta tell ya, it doesn’t appear to be one of those funny entertaining ones.

However after a few moments, all was quiet in that room. The children were silent. The adults sat back with their beverages and tried to be as still as possible hoping to savor the moment. Sadly that moment would not last though as Kandi’s* mother arrived to their house to pick up one of the dogs.

And then…there was more running, crying, jumping on the coffee table, throwing toys and even more screaming. My wine almost suffered a certain death several times again.

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There’s no doubt those kids are a couple of the cutest I’ve seen and I tove them lots but I also enjoy that I get to go home to a peaceful house. Oh that reminds me…I need to take my birth control.

*Names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Disclaimer:  Auntie E loves you guys….M & I:)

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