The other night I noticed myself doing something a bit out of the ordinary after slipping on my comfy pants and doing my usual “après work” routine.
Oh sorry, not that.
It’s what I was doing after I poured myself a bit of Red. Without realizing it I found myself listening to the Beatles and Cat Stevens, sipping on my wine and doing crossword puzzles with the television off. Holy crap. After I got over the fact that I should check the mail to see if my AARP card had arrived, I actually found it quite peaceful so I continued on….for the next 2 hours. I’m not sure if you’ve ever done crossword puzzles before but that’s a long time in “cruzzle” time. And yes, I just made up a new word.
Anyways, this new hobby has spurred my desire to complete a full crossword puzzle. In essence, it’s my very own quest for the gold.
It’s true, I have yet to finish a cruzzle. The book clearly says EASY in big bold letters but I beg to differ. I’d like to know who’s actually assessing the difficulty level on these books they sell because I’m very interested in writing a letter expressing my thoughts on the matter.
Trying to complete one of these things is quite intense. I can’t begin to describe the myriad of emotions that have overcome me in my pursuit.
I’m sure as hell gonna try though.
Here we go:
You’ve just gotten 10 of the last 15 words right.
You’re on a 5 to 10 word dry spell.
Are you f*#@ing kidding me? That has to be the right word!
Why are my hands black? Oh yeah, these puzzles are printed like newspapers. It’s almost like I’ve teleported back in time with this new pastime of mine.
Anyways, who brings home the cheddah without getting a little cheese on themselves?
I rest my case.
You’re well on your way to finishing and you realize you’ve just been punk’d by the Cruzzle Gods.
The feeling that says to give up, move on and find a new hobby lingers, however you’re hit with a new energy saying failure is not an option.
To this day I have not completed an entire Cruzzle but believe me, I will continue this quest and it will most certainly end in victory.
Just remember…I’m doing this not only for myself but for those out there who feel my pain.
The struggle is real people and I’m here to tell the story.
United we stand.
Throughout my life I’ve been curious. Why is the sky blue, whatever happened to that curious monkey we called George, who the hell invented the English language and why with all the advancements in technology are we not flying around in hovercrafts Jetson’s style.
However if all my thoughts and ridiculous questions could be answered so easily I’d be a little concerned as to why I’m the only one still struggling to find the answers to this crap.
Crazy or not, I’ve assembled a few questions that I am just dying to know an answer to.
How many licks does it really take?
I thought I cared but I really don’t give a shit. I’ve actually attempted to answer this by an elaborate scientific study but got bored halfway through much like the owl/bird above and just bit the damn tootsie pop. As that chick says “Ain’t nobody got time for dat”. This question does not count.
#1 Fo’ Real.
Alright people, I’m just asking what we’re all thinking….Why the hell order 11 pizzas and only ONE of them is cheese? Come on, how many combinations of toppings are there really? Trust me, you’re not going to miss out on a “winner” by ordering an extra cheese. I don’t want to be a hater but really Mrs. McAllister? Work with Kevin a bit here, he got the short end of the stick with dinner and you wanted to have him sleep with the kid that pees the bed. Damn it no wonder there was a sequel and he got misplaced…again.
Can you literally drink yourself to death in one sitting?
Please don’t let these be my last words.
I heard about this famous dude that was sitting on a bar stool and next thing ya know, he keeled right over. Sad story…but also epic. Don’t shake your head like I’m crazy. As much as I despise the thought of anyone passing, I can’t help the fact that if it’s my time to go then I’d prefer it to be one hell of a story. If I swallow my last sip of wine while inhaling my final breath, I hope my friends argue or even bitch fight over who gets to keep the last bottle of wine I ever consumed. It would become one hell of a mantle piece and that mantle would be Legen….wait for it…dary! No lie, it would be awesome. It’d be almost like they were fighting over who gets to keep my ashes, actually that wine bottle would make a nice urn….Hmmm…just a thought my friends.
Epilogue: I have just googled this to gain further information and have found that this “famous person” above may not exist and I may have created this scenario in my mind. The jury is still out. Either way I’m very interested in this topic as it may play a part in my demise one day.
What was Snow really rapping about?
Seriously? I can’t even read it like a story let alone spit that rhyme. Not gonna lie though….love Informer. Let’s just say if I’m rocking out to 90’s music and a little Snow appears, there’s no way in hell I’m going to hit next on Pandora. It’s a classic one hit wonder.
Hold up. Greatest Hits? I don’t know whether to laugh or cry right now so I’m just going to refill my glass of wine and let it sink in.
Snow (the Artist not the 5 inches we received in the Northeast today) has a Greatest Hits album? I actually was not aware he had more than one song let alone more than one hit.
I can’t even….speechless. Moving on.
Wait…is this what they mean when they say some questions are better left unanswered?
I already know the answer. They escaped because the Baja Men put the song on repeat and eventually the dogs just rebelled against the system and escaped. If there was an accomplice I have to think that DMX played a part. Let’s not forget “Get at Me Dog” could have been something to rile those canines up rather than just a laid back playful song we all initially thought it was.
#4 Fo’ Real.
Adam & Eve.
I have MANY questions with this one. Like how did they figure out where to put the damn thing?? I know it seems pretty obvious now but looking back to grammar school I was astounded at what I heard and can only imagine I heard way more than Adam or Eve did from the quiet chatter of the garden. I am really envious and can only hope if put in the same position that I’d be able to “make it work”. Ya feel me? Ya you know what I’m sayin…
Is there a heaven?
I have no idea but if there is, I imagine it looks something like this…
I always thought this would be an amazing experience and you have not disappointed! Thank you for always looking after me while I was down there and now while I visit….errr…I mean live for eternity up here. I just feel so welcome (it’s the booze but don’t be afraid to stock up on the vino as well) 🙂
PS….Can’t wait to meet 2Pac…where ya hiding him? I won’t tell Biggie, promise.
(Cheers man…throw ya glass up)
To sum it up…we’ll always have questions thrown at us that we may not know the answers to but I have found there a few responses that are universal and can pretty much apply to anything and everything. Let me leave you with what has saved my ass in multiple situations….whether it be unknown answers to questions, awkward situations or a grumbling stomach I give you the key to the castle: