Posts Tagged With: work

Takin’ care of Bidness.

I’d like to take a moment to talk about taking care of business at the office.

I mean…Bidness.

So the company I work for has 3 different bathrooms (men and women have separate areas) throughout the building yet there seems to be one common trend with regards to use.

‘Bidness’ only happens in one of them.

LOCATION 1:  The Watch Your BackThroom

This one is located toward the front of the building and is home to one of the more ‘stuffy’ areas of the building, not only in terms of location but also employees that are in close proximity. If you happen to venture in, be prepared for the fallout.

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LOCATION 2:  The Catch All

These bathrooms are centrally located and home to several departments in the building, essentially making it a public spectacle if anything out of the ordinary occurs.

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I mean I don’t blame the ladies for not wanting to relieve themselves around there. You’ve got peeps noticing when you walk in and out so they know how long you’ve been occupying the stall, not to mention if someone walks in right after you. If there’s a peculiar odor there’s a good chance they’ll know who the culprit is (#totesawks). If by chance you have no choice but to drop the kids here you really need to be stealth about it.

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LOCATION 3:  The Shitter……..Literally.

This bathroom is located upstairs in an unfinished area of the building. Very few people work on the second floor so in theory it should see no traffic yet probably sees more female traffic than all bathrooms combined.

Why?

Because all the women flock to one specific bathroom to POOP.  ——————–>

I think it’s home to at least half the female population in the building when it comes to dropping off the kids. I shit you not (see what I did there?) everyone heads upstairs to take care of bidness. Now I wouldn’t be making a big deal out of this, I actually think its quite funny, however my desk is in the upstairs section therefore making that bathroom my “home turf”. It ALWAYS smells.

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There’s approximately 75 total people that work in the building so you take the men out of the equation and we’re left with anywhere from maybe 30 to 35 females at most. There are only 6 women that work on the 2nd floor and this bathroom can rival rush hour traffic in Boston.

Yes, we get a lot of ‘out-of-towners’ in our neck of the woods.

As opposed to the stealth retreat from the other facilities, ladies have no problem making their exit known when leaving The Shitter upstairs. I swear women walk out of there without a care in the world.

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#thewarhasjustbegun

Every time I walk in there the smell seems to get worse! I’m not sure if it’s the summer heat or what but it definitely does not smell of roses and sunshine.

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Therefore I walk out of the bathroom and it’s like I’m leaving a Subway where the smell, for whatever reason, latches right on and follows you out of the shop staying with you for the next hour letting everyone know where you’ve been.

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At some point I feel like we’re going to have to hire a BRouncer (BathRoom bouncer?) just to stand outside the door and scan work badges to make sure that people have a reason to be in this part of the building and using this particular bathroom facility.

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Fear not my friends…….

TO THE RESIDENTS OF FLOOR 2/THE PENTHOUSE SUITE:

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It’s time to reclaim what is rightfully ours. Let’s take back our right to an odorless, fresh smelling bathroom. We can do our business without needing to break records in the amount of breaths we take before fleeing the stalls. It’s time to come together and make this happen. We don’t need to be afraid..there’s 6 of us against uhmm…the rest?

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Whatever.

I suppose we could just invest in some bathroom spray or Poo-Pourri…

 

#TheStruggleIsReal

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The Adult Snow Day

As a kid, or even young adult, I took far too many things for granted that I have now come to miss greatly. For instance, as a student in school we were gifted with the occasional day off thanks to Mother Nature. You don’t realize this then but when you grown up and join the land of the working, your employer doesn’t actually give you the day off because a foot of snow is expected to fall and reek havoc on the day’s commute. You actually still have to work. I know right? I was a bit surprised too. Thankfully though, and I do consider myself fortunate to have this option, I’m allowed to work from home if need be…

…Thus providing me with the “Adult Snow Day”. What is this you ask? Well it means I’m still required to work, however, I can do it from the comforts of home!

ADULT SNOW DAY PERKS:

1. Sleeping in later than usual since there’s no bumper to bumper traffic or insanely long lines at the local coffee shop drive-thru to deal with!

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2.  No. Morning. Commute.

3.  Put “real” pants on? If I manage to make it to the shower I’m surprised. Pfft pants…

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4.  Don’t judge. I swear I work better with a few in me. Plus…why not?

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5.  Catching up on chores around the house is always an added bonus.

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6.  You can say whatever you want want without having to worry about offending anyone at the office.

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7.  You can also do whatever you want without having to worry about offending anyone at the office.

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8.  And finally, you can watch trash TV, I mean daytime talk shows, while kicking the mouse around every so often to keep your laptop from “falling asleep”.

With up to a foot of snow expected tomorrow, I’ll be partaking in the Adult Snow Day! And don’t forget to stock up on essentials in case you’re homebound for a day or two. You don’t want to be wishing you had hit the grocery store while you’re snowed in…trust me.

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It’s GO Time

Let’s talk about boxes.

I know random topic but hear me out.

Some boxes are small and some are big. Some are rectangular while others are square. Some are new and have to assemble yourself whereas others look as though they’ve been dropped out of a moving truck and kicked around the block a time or two. Regardless of the box though, they can be used for all kinds of things.

A few examples:

The MOVING box(es) you haul inside your new place swearing that you won’t do anything else until they’re all unpacked and everything’s cleaned up. Haha ya right, I need to update my blog people. No time to waste unpacking.

The STORAGE box(es) that for some people originally began as moving boxes and eventually turned into storage boxes after 3 years of never having unpacked them. They actually make very nice shelves in addition to storage now.

The FRAGILE box that contains the expensive wedding china that’s been in your family for decades which you’re passing on to your newly married daughter that lives out of state. There’s no reason to worry that it will be damaged en route. It’s in the hands of the Postal Service!

The MYSTERY box is one you unexpectedly find somewhere in your house and just scratch your head thinking…Great, what the hell is in here? It says “may be awesome” which could mean it’s full of porn and gummy bears but with my luck it’s probably old tupperware and sheets now covered in mouse droppings. That “warning” label is just throwing me off. Why would I warn myself if the contents were awesome? I’m highly skeptical at the moment.

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The DICK IN THE box that you can give as a Christmas gift to that special someone. Seriously…who doesn’t want that?

And finally we have…

The GO box. Not to be confused with the TO GO box (pictured on the right).

What is THE GO BOX you ask? The Go Box is the box you prepare ahead of time and keep at your place of employment. It should be kept readily available to grab and fill at a moments notice. You have to be able to grab it and sweep everything off your desk that you would miss if you had to leave behind. It’s helpful to keep all things that you care about in a close knit area of your workspace as there’s really no time to waste.

DISCLAIMER:  This box is strictly for emergency use only…meaning it’s to use in those situations where you find yourself in need of a quick getaway. This is not to be taken lightly and cannot just be pulled out to dump stuff in on a weekly basis when you feel like having a temper tantrum. This is far too significant to be used because you still can’t understand why Tequila Tuesday after 3pm at the office has not been implemented. Trust me, I love to down Patrone as much as the next guy but you have to pick your battles folks.

So what kind of situation would this “GO Box” be valuable?

EXAMPLE 1:  You come back to your cube after lunch and find this on your whiteboard.

After which you accidentally find yourself in your boss’s office…

And when you run out of their office continuing to chant “Suck it bitch” down the hall, it helps to be able to grab your GO BOX quickly as you’ll most likely be escorted out of the building and won’t have the opportunity to pack up all your belongings from your desk.

EXAMPLE 2: You have had it up to here with the company, your boss, your co-workers and the plant at the end of the hallway.

You. Are. Done. Again, the GO BOX comes in handy.

I’m not sure if everyone is aware of The GO Box or if it’s just something I came up with after the Great Freakout of June 2013 but either way I feel the need to inform you all. This could be a new phenomenon and if it isn’t already then don’t be left out kids, life’s too short.

PS…You may be wondering what The GO Box looks like? It looks like anything you want it to be. My preference is the large FedEx type box as it’s not too big but not too small either. Also, it has that peel off sticker part for easy closure.  Just throw your crap in, close it up and run like the wind. Or Forrest. Yes, run like Forrest. What? You never know if the cops are far behind.

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Friday at the Office

Ahhhh Friday…I’ve missed you! But you’re not just any Friday now are you? Nope, you’re the Friday before a long holiday weekend so I’d like to think you’re extra special. Kind of like when you order that pizza you’ve been craving for 4 days and the guy at the counter lets you know that because you ordered the large pie you get a free order of breadsticks with it. Hell ya, free breadsticks!

So I’d like to take this opportunity to provide a glimpse into a day at the office prior to a 3 day escape. This timeline will be done entirely via ecards because ecards are awesome.

9:27am
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9:44 am
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10:13 am
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10:30 am
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10:40 am
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10:51 am
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11:10 am
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12:00 pm
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12:32 pm
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12:55 pm
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1:30 pm
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2:09 pm
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2:19 pm
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2:45 pm
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3:02 pm
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Happy Memorial Day!

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