Monthly Archives: September 2013

Don’t Drink n’ Draft

That’s just a little bit of advice for all of you fantasy players out there. Sometimes you have to learn the hard way and other times you have to learn the hard way multiple times. In my case, I thought I learned my lesson 4 years ago when I took part in my first fantasy draft and was heavily intoxicated. Maybe it was the miracle of winning 1st place that year that I figured “hey, let’s try this again!” Anyways, I’m no longer a rookie and have no excuses to give but what I can offer are a few good reasons NOT to Draft Under the Influence. The end result of a DUI just isn’t worth it people.

First mistake…..Drafting your Tight End in the first round.  Guys, he’s one of the elite!

Oh crap! That’s right, Hernandez needs to figure out a couple things this season (or the next 25 to life).

Okay for real now.

1. It’s his year, I can feel it!

Seriously? Ya it happened and no I don’t want to talk about which round I took him in. I’ve only been cursing CJ2K for the past 2 years since he sat out training camp and pre-season prior to the 2011 season.

CJ2K (2011):  Show me the money!

FF Players (2011-2013):  SHOW ME THE TD’s! …..and yards. Seriously all jokes aside CJ, just give us like 1,500 yards this year or at least something consistent on a weekly basis. Sincerely, Everyone.

2. Who’s your QB?

F*CK.

3.  Beer Muscles.

This applies to most things when drinking and fantasy is no different. You can do no wrong and the sky is the limit. Draft that new rookie RB in the first round who’s poised for legendary greatness after two preseason games? Of course! He’s going to kill it this year! Oh, don’t worry about that ankle injury he went down with after the second pre-season game, he’s gonna be fiiiiiine.

4.  Ummm…you’re running out of time.

Me:

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5.  So how’s your team looking this year?

Listed below are actually a couple of real notes from one of my draft reports, more specifically the draft in which I thought vodka at 1pm on a Friday afternoon was a fantastic idea.

Draft Notes

      • Beginning with a Bang: E got off to a sizzling start, amassing the most projected points in the league during the first half of the draft.
      • Free Fallin’: The GM of E must have had to leave their draft party early. After tallying the most projected points in the league over the draft’s first half, they racked up the fewest during the second half.

As you can see, the alcohol clearly made itself at home in my body by the second half of the draft.

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Yikes.

Moral of the story is this:

By the end of the season, I’m either going to look like a complete genius or a total dumbass.

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Pfft who am I kidding…..I’m gonna win it all.

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The 7 Stages of Candy Crush Addiction

Ok people raise your hands if you’ve ever heard of Candy Crush.

Alright, how many of you have not only heard of it but play it as well?

Now this is a judgement free zone so don’t be afraid to be honest…..

Who here thought they’d start playing a new game in their down time that would give them a bit of a distraction from the hustle and bustle of their everyday lives and realize now that you sold your soul to the devil himself and those little “candies” falling from the top of your iphone or ipad screen are really just a form of electronic heroin?

Good, I’m not alone.

I’m going to now take you through the 7 stages of Candy Crush addiction.

STAGE 1: Experimentation

Maybe it’s time to try something new?? I mean it’s got like 5 stars in the iTunes App Store.

STAGE 2:  Jubilation

You’re on Cloud 9 right now! You’ve finally found an entertaining game to pass the time while sitting in the Dr’s office, waiting for the boys at Jiffy Lube to finish up your oil change or even to consume all of your free time.

STAGE 3:  King of the World

No explanation needed. You are the best and there’s no denying it.

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I’m on Level 39 bitches! Wait what? There’s how many levels!??

STAGE 4:  Realization

There are currently over 385 levels in Candy Crush. Apparently not all of them can be beaten easily.

STAGE 5:  Anger

Realization turns to anger. Why? Why?? Seriously have you never played this damn game?!?! It’s frustrating as hell. I just spent 2 weeks trying to beat one friggin level! Now tell me again how I should stay calm? I’m out of lives #$&%#&^#$!

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STAGE 6:  Denial

Just breathe, just breathe. It will be okay, you don’t have a problem like everyone says. The only “problem” you have is they only give you 5 damn lives at a time and make you wait 30 minutes for them to recharge.

I’m fine, really I’m fine!

STAGE 7:  Acceptance

There comes a point where you just know. That time has come.

In the end I was forced to face reality.

FOLLOW UP:  30 Days Later

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Me:  I think I’m doing a lot better now though Doc. Haven’t played that damn game in a month!

Doc:  We took away your phone and access to all electronics when you entered the facility.

Me:  Ya, that was a bitch. You got any beer in that fridge Doc? I don’t feel like running back to my room to grab one.

Doc:  ……

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