Monthly Archives: June 2013

A Morning in the Life of a Nine to Fiver.

We’ve all got our usual routine in the morning that involves everything from waking up to your screaming alarm clock to the drive in to the office and everything in between. Most of us have to accomplish the same things in the morning which include getting up, getting ready and going to work. However we all seem to reach the end result differently.

I now present to you a glimpse into my mornings on a typical work week…

6:00am – Alarm goes off.

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7:35(ish)am- I open my eyes, look at the time and realize ‘oh shit’ i didn’t even know I’ve been hitting snooze. This literally happens every day and every day this is my face.

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8:25am – I’m ready and outta here.

8:27am – I need a coffee. I’m already late for work so why not?

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Of course when you’re late the line is always completely ridonkulous. At this point in time most responsible adults stop and ask themselves ‘Do I want to be even more late for work than I already am? I mean this line is really long.’

As i said most people think that way, but not me. No, I actually like to think of others in situations like these and I know that me not having my morning coffee is not a good thing for anyone in my office. Therefore I proceed to wait in the obscenely long drive-thru line.

8:35am – Got my coffee and I’m hittin’ the turnpike now. Should be at work in under 15. Ohhh ya.

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Just kidding. Of course, there’s something slowing down the drive to work.

I have an issue with the closed lane at times. I understand work needs to be done on the roads but I’ll be cruising down the one open lane going about 20mph because people get nervous while dodging the orange cones and I expect there to be some sort of activity happening to justify the increase in traffic congestion. Half of the time what do I see though? NOTHING. Just a lonely open lane that is begging for company.

It’s at these moments I imagine myself in a game of Grand Theft Auto and I swiftly maneuver my car to the other lane and put the pedal to the floor and go. In my daydream as I fly past everyone outrunning the cops, people just stop their cars, get out and cheer because I’m that awesome.

Sadly though I’m brough back to reality and going about 22mph in that one open lane…with no cops in pursuit.

8:39am – Alright both lanes open, time to cruise….

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…..or so you think.

Why am I gonna be late now? Besides the fact that I don’t get up on time in the morning.

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Oh.

8:47am – This is bullshit.

8:53am – I keep hearing the sirens of police cars, fire trucks and ambulances trying to weave their way through this traffic to get to the accident. Okay, this must be a big accident, I just hope everyone involved is okay. I wonder how many cars are involved for this many emergency vehicles to be called to the scene?

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9:19am – The cars are crawling along and we’re getting closer to the actual incident. The tension is mounting with anticipation of what has occurred this morning to hold up the morning commute and as I find myself headed down the one open lane again (this time due to the accident) I turn my head to view the gruesome scene.

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WTF people! Seriously?? Pay attention to the damn road!! Some of us have a job to be at! What the hell was the problem???

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Aye aye aye.

9:28am – I’ve arrived to work. I’m less than an hour late…not too shabby. But what’s the good part of this morning?

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You in the Dog House?

By now many of us have heard about the fall of Aaron Hernandez, the former star tight end for the New England Patriots. Earlier this week, Hernandez was arrested at his home and charged with murder. Almost immediately following this news, he was released from the Patriots roster and what was once almost a guarantee of a long and highly successful career in the NFL turned to one of just wasted talent in the matter of days.

So why would someone with so much promise, do something so horrific? I don’t know and most of us will never know, let alone understand how he could “allegedly” take another human being’s life. To make matters worse, as the investigation continues, the troubles keep mounting for Hernandez as he was also “allegedly” involved in a drive-by shooting last July in Boston which left two people dead.

Not to undermine the severity and sadness of what has taken place for all involved but that is not the focus of this post. My focus, however, is what I found after reading the news on this and what has been revealed when the police searched his home this week.

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Nice house huh? I thought so too but look a little closer. Yes, that’s a person walking towards the home and he is almost as tall as the roof of the house.

Is that guy just really tall?

No, that’s Aaron Hernandez’s DOG HOUSE. Yes, that’s a dog house and I could probably live comfortably inside that home….even with the dog. This made the news with the investigation and made me wonder about people with money and what other lavish homes could be purchased for our loyal companions.

And without further delay….here are my top 3.2_452

1. Here we have a beautiful two-story gated home complete with an upper balcony for Paris Hilton’s little pup.

hiltondoggiemansionThe “dog house” includes a living room and bedroom complete with a closet to hold all the designer clothing to dress them in. Oh did I forget to mention there’s also heat, air conditioning, designer furniture and a chrystal chandelier? This could be yours for a cool $325,000. Come on guys, your pup’s worth it right?

2. Next on the list we have a beautiful country style home with a mixture of vinyl siding and stone along with a spacious farmer’s porch made of cedar wood. The front porch provides your faithful companion with abundant sunshine while also giving them a place to cool off with an inground bone-shaped pool to jump in when the sunbathing gets to be a little too much.

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3. And finally we have this adorable little townhouse in the city. This lovely two-story brick home keeps these wrinkly faced dogs safe at night. Once again, air conditioning and heat are a given in this abode. It’s a bit smaller than the others but as real estate brokers say…..it’s all about location, location, location. 17eff30d2f4267dad88f3258447bf16aIf you want to live in the city, you’ve got to give up your backyards and pools but remember, the nearest pet store and doggie daycare is probably less than a block away.

While I have hit on many topics during this post I’d like to end with this final thought….

I have concluded that there are many dogs out there that live better than I do. As some people say, the proof is in the pudding? Anyways, their own personal homes feature pools, balconies, and upscale furniture…which my house does not.

I gotta be doing something wrong here.

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Knock knock knock…

It’s Monday night around 8:15 and I’m anxiously awaiting the start of Game 6 of the Stanley Cup Finals. It’s do or die time for the Bruins, now or never. I figure most people around the Boston area are pretty pumped up for this game and have taken their seats on the couch with drinks in hand ready for the opening face-off.

hA1FE9CBAI was wrong.

Knock, knock, knock….

Three reasons this isn’t a good knock.
1. I didn’t order any takeout. I’m actually wishing I had now that I think about it though. Mmm Chinese.
2. I have no friends coming over tonight.
3. I live in a locked building.

I should have pretended I was asleep….Crap.

Backstory: My condo association is currently in the midst of turmoil. Apparently there’s something going on with the other building that’s part of our association and now some of the owners in this particular building want to divorce the others and take all their money. Nah just kidding, well about the money part anyway. I really don’t think the Association has much in the way of “cash on hand”.  Needless to say owners keep knocking on my door hoping to educate me on the situation while at the same time lobbying for my vote. It’s getting to be a bit annoying but at the same time I’m conflicted since I’m also feeling quite popular at the moment like I hold the key to victory or something.

Sadly, however, they don’t realize that I just don’t care. Yes, I know I should though.

Here’s a condensed portion of our conversation (I’ve shortened it since it was a tad bit boring):

Guy: “Hi, do you own this condo or rent it?”

Me:  Say you rent it, say you rent it! “I own it.” Ugh.

Guy: “Oh I haven’t seen you at any of the owner meetings.”

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Me: “Ya, I uh keep meaning to go to those. Is this about the other building? Did you want my email address to send over info? I already gave it to two other guys that talked to me about it as well.” Seriously dude, the B’s are on in under 5 minutes, make it quick. It’s Game 6!!!

Guy: “Actually, we have a meeting Thursday night with the lawyers to discuss our options regarding breaking away from the other building.”

Me: Thirsty Thu…I mean “This Thursday? Hmm, I’m not sure if I can make it to that one. I’ll have to check my schedule.

Guy: “Yeah well you know it’d be nice if we can get everyone there and then we’re going to have a meeting with all owners and the developers in August for the final vote.”tumblr_m1v493l2aE1ql4whgo1_500

Me: Perfect…my exit. “Oh excellent, I’ll be at that one. I just don’t think I can make it to the meeting Thursday night. Work is just really demanding lately…”

Guy: “Oh okay, no problem. So I was just dja;kldj;flajd;fja;sjdf;lajd;fja;djfa;ksj”

Me: I didn’t hear anything he just said because all I could hear was the Bruins getting ready to drop the puck! “Ok, well that sounds good, I actually have to get going….got a roast in the oven I have to check on. It was nice talking to you though.”

Guy: “Great, I’ll let you know how the meeting goes.”

Me: “Ok, have a nice night.”

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What’s up Doc?

Okay, let’s see a show of hands….who likes going to the doctor? Anyone? No? That’s what I thought.

We make appointments to see the doctor and we all know the drill. We know how this works. So, let’s take this moment though to go through a few of the highlights of the “Doctor’s Appointment”. We’ll use my vist today as an example.

1. The Arrival.
It’s the age old question….do you get there a bit early in hopes of getting in earlier or do you show up on time / a couple of minutes late hoping you can avoid a longer wait? Let’s be honest, it’s a lose / lose situation. You get there early and you’re waiting, you get there on time or late and you’re still waiting.

2. The Time is Now.
Well regardless of your chosen path, each time you see the Nurse walk out with clipboard in hand, you immediately 20130618-191426.jpgfind yourself thrown back to grade school gym class…palms sweaty, just waiting to see who will be picked next in dodgeball. You see others come and go and still you wait, but now…you’ve been chosen. You’re the one! However, as you stand up to walk away you briefly glance back to offer a sympathetic smile to others still waiting but then quickly resume your victory march out of there.

3. The Preliminary Consult.
You’re now walking down the hallway to one of the exam rooms where you’ll be weighed, have your blood pressure taken and then asked a series of questions to get to “know you better”. And this is all prior to the Doctor even entering the room. A couple of my faves are listed below.

Nurse: “Do you drink?”
Me: “Yes.”
Nurse: “Wine? Beer? Liquor?”
Me: “Yes.”
Nurse: “Which one?”20130618-225851.jpg
Me: All of them duhhh.
“Oh um yeah, I mean if I’m picking one than wine.” Are you offering?
Nurse: “How often do you drink? Daily? Weekly? Monthly?”
Me: “Ohh just here and there.”
Nurse: “Would you say you only have one drink at a time?”
Me: Well I try not to double fist it too often but ya know shit happens…“Ya, that sounds accurate.”

Nurse: “Do you Exercise?”
Me: “Why yes I do.” Finally I say yes and it’s not a lie!
Nurse: “How often would you say?”
Me: “4 to 5 times a week.”
Nurse: “What kind of exercise do you do?”
Me: In the words of Jillian Michaels.….”3 rotations of strength, cardio and abs. Approximately 3 minutes, 2 minutes and 1 minute respectively. Oh and of course a warm-up and cool-down period as well.”
Nurse: “Would you say you workout moderately or rigorously?”
Me: “I’d say moderately to rigorously. Okay, just moderately.” Damn….Rome wasn’t built in a day.

20130618-191323.jpgAfter gathering the information needed the Nurse lets you know that the Dr. will be with you soon and then steps out.

4. The Dr. Arrives.
This is actually the quickest part of the visit….”Alright, so take care then.” “Thanks Doc!”

5. The Exit.
This is where you’re led out to your original entrance and asked to check out with the receptionist. They will look at the Dr.’s notes and many times the Dr. will ask to schedule a follow up visit. Sometimes it’s a month, sometimes it’s more like half a year. This is where it gets interesting to me. The receptionist will then attempt to schedule said follow up 2, 3, 5 months from now. I only find this interesting because I can barely schedule my pedicures more than 3 hours in advance. And those are something I look forward to getting done.

Anyways, I made it in to the office around 12:30 today so all in all, not terrible. Not great either but I figure it could have been worse, the Dr. could have conducted the visit as if I was there for a colonoscopy…

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I got a case of the MUNCHIES.

I’m hungry! Feed me.20130607-235144.jpg

We’ve all heard this said by one of our friends at one time or another whether they’re high, drunk, starved, on a juice diet, whatever it is. We all know it. Those people just need food. I call them “those people” because of course we ourselves are never those people. Haha just kidding. When it comes to eating while drunk I’m ALWAYS one of “those people”. And nine times outta ten, my undying love for pizza is made known to all.

I try to refrain from the “drunken munchies” but about three seconds into those thoughts I’m on the phone…”Ya ya, I see you got a special for three medium pizzas. I’ll take one cheese, one pep, and one with green pepper and ham. Hmm, better throw in some cheese breadsticks too. Oh wait, you got any of those cinnastix or cinnabuns or cinnawhatever you got? I’ll take some extra icing too.” I don’t wanna have to skimp when I’m dipping those things in or worse yet having to compensate with whatever salad dressing is in my fridge circa 2012.

So when people drink sometimes they become happy, sad, tired, angry, funny, hyper, awesome, grumpy or any variation of the aforementioned. Some also grow the biggest beer muscles known to man and others have stomachs that turn into a sort of crater in the ground waiting to swallow the world whole.

So who am I? I’m the one that gets a little too excited over the prospect of food. Get me drunk, give me food and I’m a happy camper. 20130607-225414.jpgI’m not completely sure just yet, but pizza may just be my soulmate. Yes, it’s gotten that serious….

For instance, tonight I ordered a medium ham and green pepper along with a whole thing of cheese breadsticks. I ate half the pizza and all the breadsticks and have yet to go to bed, therefore the remainder of that pizza is fair game. I blame the coupon deal they were offering online.

Anyways, some ask how I can eat that much in one sitting after (or in this case during) drinking. My response?
20130607-224327.jpg I wish I could explain why I get so hungry upon consumption of alcohol or why I feel the need to eat enough to feed a family of six. However, much like my other blog posts, there are just some things that can’t be explained.

I don’t have much left to say except it’s Friday night and for my fellow nine to fivers, that means we’ve got two whole days before we have to drag our asses back to work. So join me in raising your glasses, take a drink, live it up for the weekend and I’ll leave you with one last thought…
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That’s a pretty good point made.
And on that note…peace out kids.

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I. Hate. Mail.

I’d like to take this moment to let everyone in on a little secret of mine. I hate mail. I absolutely despise it. Mail sucks, especially junk mail.
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I tend to forget all about my mailbox. Some people really look forward to to it and check it daily. Yes, daily! I couldn’t believe it either. People are waiting for important packages, invites, coupons and the latest deals at whatever grocery store or retail outlet feels the need to print out a 50 page booklet to show everything physically available in their store. If I’m not mistaken I think there’s a website for that? I suppose some people are even waiting for bills to arrive.

Personally, I’m really not intrigued by any of the previously mentioned. Trust me, I enjoy getting packages because that’s usually the good stuff (i.e. things you order online) but to be honest I get all of that delivered to the office I work at. Sometimes I even forget I’ve ordered anything so when it arrives it’s like “Merry Christmas to me!”. Anyways, back to the matter at hand. Mail.

Okay, so I lied at the beginning. The fact I can’t stand mail isn’t a secret but I still feel the need to share this story.

I live in a condo complex with two doors to enter the secure building. One entrance holds the mailboxes for all residents but I happen to enter through the second door so I never pass by said mailboxes. 20130606-195123.jpgCombine that with the fact that I dislike mail and it’s a recipe for disaster…as was evidenced tonight when I arrived to my door.

This has never actually happened to me before. Don’t get me wrong, normally when I finally check my mailbox, it’s filled to the top and looks like I’ve grabbed it just in time before the mailman literally goes postal on me. This time it appears there was absolutely no more mail that could be fit into that box though because I walked up to my door and there was a full United States Postal Service bin just sitting there waiting for me. At first I was like “oh man, I really need to get my shit together and start checking my mail more often” but then after I picked up the bin and walked inside I was like “oh man, this is way better than checking the mail myself, the mailman brought it right to my front door!”.

All was well and good until I emptied out the bin and went through the loads of crap several hundred trees had to die for.
20130606-195304.jpgIt was at this time I realized how long it had been since I actually opened my mailbox (I don’t feel it necessary to actually pinpoint a date for you). I absolutely understand bills need to be paid and that is why I have placed my normal monthly bills on automatic payments. However I had forgotten that I got a new debit card and would need to update payment info accordingly. Ya, my bad.

Then it dawned on me as I was reviewing some of my invoices…I inadvertently called your bluff Unitil.

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I’m on my third disconnection notice and I’m still taking hot showers! Ya Ya. Guess what? I’m gonna take another hot one tomorrow morning too! How do you feel about that?! Just to be safe though I’m gonna go ahead and pay this bill online, like right now. I just want to be a good customer, I’m not scared you’ll follow through on these notices or anything.

So to sum up my evening, there are some lessons to be learned here.

1: Stop being a dumbass and check my mail.
2: Please refer back to #1.

I’m now just left with one question as I sip on my wine and reflect on tonight’s events.

Do I get to keep the United States Postal Service mail bin?

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Another year older…almost.

So what would normally be just another Sunday tomorrow spent hopefully waking up by noon and struggling to get ready in time for brunch for 2pm holds another meaning for me. Tomorrow happens to be my birthday. The day I was given life 32 years ago. Yes I will be 32 and still have trouble making good use of a morning on the weekend without the assistance of an alarm clock.

I’m not the typical woman in her 30’s…I’m single, no children, I enjoy the “occasional” adult beverage and love to play video games.
20130601-224033.jpgYa, I’m not a normal girl at all I’m told. I keep thinking people have a point and I need to change my ways but you know what? I’m happy and content and that’s all that matters.

Anyways, tomorrow will mark another year gone by in the blink of an eye. How the hell does that happen so quickly??? I mean in my head I’m forever 25 but damn the days just seem to fly by lately. So on the eve of my birth I sit here watching the Bruins and chugging, I mean sipping, on my wine while reminiscing on the past year. Some very fond memories were made but let’s be real, some not so fond memories as well. But hey, that’s life. Life is all about experiences, whether good, bad or just flat out WTF was going through my head?

So each year as my birthday rolls around I tell myself I’m going to make changes. It’s almost like “New Year’s” for me in which I make resolutions that I inevitably never follow through with and so by the time June is here I see it as a second opportunity to make things happen for myself. You don’t get anywhere if you don’t try right?!

In conclusion, tomorrow is Sunday and it’s my birthday. It’s time to act like the adult that I am. So what am I doing to celebrate my birth all those years ago? Again, tomorrow is Sunday. Obviously I’m going to sleep til noon and try my damnest to make it to brunch by 2pm to order my scrambled eggs, bacon, english muffin, home fries and mimosa(s) followed by more alcohol.

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Listen people, Rome wasn’t build in a day. Sunday Funday should be celebrated.

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