My Turkey Day

Ahh Thanksgiving. A day to be thankful for family, friends, and all that we have in our lives. It’s important to remember this in a time when we put so much emphasis on social status, the size of our house, and the balance of our bank accounts. These are not the things that should define us though. So tomorrow when you sit down to dinner please be sure to take a moment to look around and be appreciative for those around us, those who are in our lives but elsewhere, and even those that are not with us any longer but that we are forever grateful to have had in our lives.

I wish everyone a HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Alright, on a slightly lighter note I’m here to talk about what happens at Thanksgiving with the family when you’re in your 30’s. And single. And enjoy alcohol. Basically it’s what happens at my Thanksgivings.

Let’s start with Thanksgiving Eve:

Ever heard that the night before Thanksgiving is one of the biggest drinking nights of the year? That’s because it is. In your 20’s it seems that everyone heads to their hometowns for the holiday and all congregate at the nearest watering hole to catch up and throw a few (or 10) drinks back.

Of course we all grow up and as you make your way into your 30’s you start to make the “adult” decision to stay in on Thanksgiving Eve because you have responsibilities and you’d rather not ruin Thanksgiving for your family by being completely hungover. I’m happy to say I’m now one of those responsible people home tonight taking it easy so I’m not all hungover tomorrow.

Okay so maybe I just get drunk at home now because I’m too lazy to go out.

So listed below is an approximate hour by hour-ish breakdown of my Thanksgiving Day…… which has remained relatively the same for the past 10 years:

Around 9:00am:

Wakey wakey…with no eggs and bakey. What the hell mom I want some breakfast.

Yaaaaa so I can already tell I’m going to need a nap sometime in the next hour or two.

10:00am:

11:00am:

The family prepares for the day of thanks on the ride over to Aunt Bernice’s* house. Mom and Dad like to provide a bit of a pep talk prior to gatherings.

Noon-ish:

Most of the relatives are rolling in around this time (some 25 or 30 people) and immediately feel the need to comment on the state of my appearance. Apparently it may be a bit obvious that I’m hungover?

“Thank you, I made sure to spruce myself up today.”  She did use the word ‘hot’.

1:00pm:

Here is where the questions about my love life start to come out in full force.

So much for never drinking again.

1:06pm:

There’s currently a debate as to whether or not I’m okay being single. I really think I am but Uncle Raymond* seems to disagree.

Well thanks for the reassurance Uncle Ray*, I hope you’re not chosen to do the eulogy at my funeral. Anyways, this conversation usually results in a couple Aunts, another Uncle and several cousins normally asking questions along the lines of…”Why do you think that you’re still alone?”

And that about sums it up. #playasgottaplay

2:00pm:

The little kids start to make their way in my direction. Oh god, where’s your mommy little one?

3:00pm-ish:

It’s dinner time, let’s do this. Should I say grace?

Approximately 3:02pm:

Okay who the hell let the baby sit with me? He just spilled my damn drink!

#partyfoul #alcoholabuse #iremembermyfirstbeer

4:00pm:

We cousins are currently arguing over who will be the next to have a child. I’ve left the conversation and just joined the kids table in the other room. Did that kid spill on me again?

5:02-ish:

I’m done.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Don’t Drink n’ Draft

That’s just a little bit of advice for all of you fantasy players out there. Sometimes you have to learn the hard way and other times you have to learn the hard way multiple times. In my case, I thought I learned my lesson 4 years ago when I took part in my first fantasy draft and was heavily intoxicated. Maybe it was the miracle of winning 1st place that year that I figured “hey, let’s try this again!” Anyways, I’m no longer a rookie and have no excuses to give but what I can offer are a few good reasons NOT to Draft Under the Influence. The end result of a DUI just isn’t worth it people.

First mistake…..Drafting your Tight End in the first round.  Guys, he’s one of the elite!

Oh crap! That’s right, Hernandez needs to figure out a couple things this season (or the next 25 to life).

Okay for real now.

1. It’s his year, I can feel it!

Seriously? Ya it happened and no I don’t want to talk about which round I took him in. I’ve only been cursing CJ2K for the past 2 years since he sat out training camp and pre-season prior to the 2011 season.

CJ2K (2011):  Show me the money!

FF Players (2011-2013):  SHOW ME THE TD’s! …..and yards. Seriously all jokes aside CJ, just give us like 1,500 yards this year or at least something consistent on a weekly basis. Sincerely, Everyone.

2. Who’s your QB?

F*CK.

3.  Beer Muscles.

This applies to most things when drinking and fantasy is no different. You can do no wrong and the sky is the limit. Draft that new rookie RB in the first round who’s poised for legendary greatness after two preseason games? Of course! He’s going to kill it this year! Oh, don’t worry about that ankle injury he went down with after the second pre-season game, he’s gonna be fiiiiiine.

4.  Ummm…you’re running out of time.

Me:

5.  So how’s your team looking this year?

Listed below are actually a couple of real notes from one of my draft reports, more specifically the draft in which I thought vodka at 1pm on a Friday afternoon was a fantastic idea.

Draft Notes

• Beginning with a Bang: E got off to a sizzling start, amassing the most projected points in the league during the first half of the draft.
• Free Fallin’: The GM of E must have had to leave their draft party early. After tallying the most projected points in the league over the draft’s first half, they racked up the fewest during the second half.

As you can see, the alcohol clearly made itself at home in my body by the second half of the draft.

Yikes.

Moral of the story is this:

By the end of the season, I’m either going to look like a complete genius or a total dumbass.

 

Pfft who am I kidding…..I’m gonna win it all.

I got a case of the MUNCHIES.

I’m hungry! Feed me.

We’ve all heard this said by one of our friends at one time or another whether they’re high, drunk, starved, on a juice diet, whatever it is. We all know it. Those people just need food. I call them “those people” because of course we ourselves are never those people. Haha just kidding. When it comes to eating while drunk I’m ALWAYS one of “those people”. And nine times outta ten, my undying love for pizza is made known to all.

I try to refrain from the “drunken munchies” but about three seconds into those thoughts I’m on the phone…”Ya ya, I see you got a special for three medium pizzas. I’ll take one cheese, one pep, and one with green pepper and ham. Hmm, better throw in some cheese breadsticks too. Oh wait, you got any of those cinnastix or cinnabuns or cinnawhatever you got? I’ll take some extra icing too.” I don’t wanna have to skimp when I’m dipping those things in or worse yet having to compensate with whatever salad dressing is in my fridge circa 2012.

So when people drink sometimes they become happy, sad, tired, angry, funny, hyper, awesome, grumpy or any variation of the aforementioned. Some also grow the biggest beer muscles known to man and others have stomachs that turn into a sort of crater in the ground waiting to swallow the world whole.

So who am I? I’m the one that gets a little too excited over the prospect of food. Get me drunk, give me food and I’m a happy camper. I’m not completely sure just yet, but pizza may just be my soulmate. Yes, it’s gotten that serious….

For instance, tonight I ordered a medium ham and green pepper along with a whole thing of cheese breadsticks. I ate half the pizza and all the breadsticks and have yet to go to bed, therefore the remainder of that pizza is fair game. I blame the coupon deal they were offering online.

Anyways, some ask how I can eat that much in one sitting after (or in this case during) drinking. My response?
I wish I could explain why I get so hungry upon consumption of alcohol or why I feel the need to eat enough to feed a family of six. However, much like my other blog posts, there are just some things that can’t be explained.

I don’t have much left to say except it’s Friday night and for my fellow nine to fivers, that means we’ve got two whole days before we have to drag our asses back to work. So join me in raising your glasses, take a drink, live it up for the weekend and I’ll leave you with one last thought…

That’s a pretty good point made.
And on that note…peace out kids.